Marca - Ultimatums

Ultimatums

Ultimatums. I think we should abolish them once and for all.

For some reason, its always the girls that want to know how and when they can give an ultimatum. Ladies — cut it out! Men seem to understand that backing a woman into a corner is not likely to bring the desired outcome and I think taking a cue from them might be a gooood idea when it comes to ultimatum giving.

I know, I know… there are times when you DESPERATELY want to lay it D.O.W.N. and I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to, but just know… for most men, ultimatums go over like a lead balloon. Lets look at a situation…

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Girl meets Guy. They like each other. Things go along swimmingly. Expectations begin to increase but communication does not encompass the changes going on in guy and girl heads. So, we have a relationship bumping along… things are going well on the surface… but some discontent is brewing on the inside. Girl wants to take this to the next level. Guy not sure and just enjoying the ride.

Option 1: DTR or a “Define The Relationship” Talk. Acceptable in most circumstances. Many suggest taking a weekly/monthly/yearly pulse on your relationship to make sure you are both in the same place and going the same direction. Personally, I would endorse letting the guy take the lead in this area at the beginning but if he’s not and you are confused, its perfectly okay to request clarification. Start with something along the lines of; “I’ve been getting the impression that neither one of us is dating other people anymore and just wanted to make sure I wasn’t acting on a false assumption when turning down dates from other guys…”

Option 2: Ultimatum communicated in any way shape or form. Bonus points for catastrophe if you decide to do it right after physical intimacy. An ultimatum is a threat couched in terms such as If “A” doesn’t happen, then I will “B.”

Option 3: Communicate what you DO want as opposed to what you don’t find acceptable. Commonly known as encouraging the good… this can be a very positive way to state what you need without going into ultimatum territory. Ie. “It’s vital to me to know that the person I am intimately involved with really digs me and I love that you communicate how much you like me. It makes me feel safe and cared for.” If you have laid out this idea, then if you are later feeling neglected or uncared for, you can bring up how much you miss that safe and cared for feeling and ask if something has changed that you need to be aware of.

Option 4: Decide for yourself what you will and will not accept and set an ultimatum or expiration date for yourself and keep it to yourself.

The road a guy will take?

Option 4. Period. If you are lucky, he MIGHT communicate with you what he would prefer, but like as not… he’s going to make up his mind and bail if he doesn’t like the way you are treating him. You might think that’s not fair, and in some ways its not. (I’m always a fan of communication)But, there is also no attempt to control the other person with guilt, manipulation, etc. This is a simple — deciding to be his own best friend and doing what’s best for you both in the long run. After all, if he doesn’t like your leopard spots, its better to leave sooner than after he’s tried to turn you into a zebra.

If a guy likes you and wants to keep your attention all to himself, he’ll likely broach the DTR. As in, “I don’t want to share you with other guys and am not interested in other girls. Can we be boyfriend/girlfriend” (or some derivation thereof.) Note for my male readers: most women LOVE to know the lay of the land and you might very well avoid any kind of ultimatum-ish behavior by just communicating up front what your intentions are. Another note for guys: if you are dealing with a commitment phobic woman here… tread lightly. Caveman speak is going to send her FLEEING into the sunset without you.

Now, lets talk about you ladies. Admit it, you’ve done the whole… if you don’t put a ring on my finger, I’m leaving. Or the, If I see you active on Match again, I’m done! … haven’t you? How did it turn out? Did he sheepishly agree to your demands and roll over? (If so, how are you liking that several years later? Do you still respect his passivity or have you broken up with him?) Or did he say fine and continue doing just what he was doing until you extended your “deadline” five or six times? Or perhaps you had an alpha male on your hands and he broke up with you right then and there. The point of all of this… give him room to hang himself (figure out what he’s going to do without your input) and stick to your personal commitment to yourself to do what is healthy for you.

If you want to know when he is going to marry you, well, he might be wondering the same thing and if you lay down the law, you pour water all over his fire. As an alternative, I’d suggest deciding what you can handle and setting your own deadline for yourself. Kudos to you if you know your timeline up front and communicate to your new love what you want. But not everyone thinks that far in advance, so if you are one of those girls waiting and waiting for a ring, there is a better alternative to giving him an ultimatum.

Ask for his input. (I may come up with a script to put in here later so you can have some ideas of what to say, but would rather have my trained therapist friend do a once over before I post it. You know me, always protecting my readers. LOL)

The important thing to remember: do not back him into a corner and still stand up for what you need. By letting him know that you respect his needs as well as your own, you are giving him the opportunity to make a choice that he can live with instead of responding to an ultimatum. By giving you both an open forum to discuss, you aren’t trying to force your will on the other person and when your partner does make a decision, you know its not out of pressure, but out of love.

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